If you would have talked to me at the time I likely would have said I was keeping my life balanced… and you probably would have believed me. It wasn’t so much the time I allotted to school work (I spent more time in play rehearsals than I did doing homework); it was my attitude about the whole thing. I even had this terrible tendency to quit anything I wasn’t automatically good at. I was the girl who was 100% good at things 100% of the time, and I didn’t want anything to sully that image. I was afraid that I would disappoint people. It wasn’t my parents’ fault: if they put any pressure on me at all, it was to chill out. They were obviously pleased when I did well, but they hated seeing their only daughter go crazy. My mom used to say, “What’s really important? Will the sky fall if you get a B? Will your father and I stop loving you?” I knew she was right but it was hard to change.
I don’t think it will shock you to hear that I didn’t enjoy school. I spent so much time being worried about things, I couldn’t see the big picture. I worry sometimes that these tendencies creep into my spiritual life. Do I let worry take over? Do I stop to recognize what is really important? Do I realize that God will not stop loving me, no matter what? Do I enjoy being in a relationship with Him? I’m letting Him teach me that I need to let go and be free to try new things; to not worry about whether I’m “the best” or not.
I wish I could say I have completely turned around, but I know I still struggle with these things sometimes. I also know that my attitude has changed for the better and God is continuing to shape me. Right now I am trying to learn to paint… and I stink! Here’s hoping I can keep it up.