AF142579B51149009065570B983433A4 In high school I was an overachiever.  I wasn’t happy with a B, or even an A… I wanted an A++!  I stayed up all hours of the night working on projects. I had test anxiety that was so bad I would get physically sick to my stomach, even if I had studied for hours.  I was generally a very happy person who didn’t easily get angry… but when I was stressed out about school, look out!

If you would have talked to me at the time I likely would have said I was keeping my life balanced… and you probably would have believed me.  It wasn’t so much the time I allotted to school work (I spent more time in play rehearsals than I did doing homework); it was my attitude about the whole thing.  I even had this terrible tendency to quit anything I wasn’t automatically good at. I was the girl who was 100% good at things 100% of the time, and I didn’t want anything to sully that image.  I was afraid that I would disappoint people.  It wasn’t my parents’ fault: if they put any pressure on me at all, it was to chill out.  They were obviously pleased when I did well, but they hated seeing their only daughter go crazy.  My mom used to say, “What’s really important? Will the sky fall if you get a B? Will your father and I stop loving you?” I knew she was right but it was hard to change.

I don’t think it will shock you to hear that I didn’t enjoy school. I spent so much time being worried about things, I couldn’t see the big picture.  I worry sometimes that these tendencies creep into my spiritual life.  Do I let worry take over?  Do I stop to recognize what is really important?  Do I realize that God will not stop loving me, no matter what?  Do I enjoy being in a relationship with Him? I’m letting Him teach me that I need to let go and be free to try new things; to not worry about whether I’m “the best” or not. 

I wish I could say I have completely turned around, but I know I still struggle with these things sometimes.  I also know that my attitude has changed for the better and God is continuing to shape me.  Right now I am trying to learn to paint… and I stink!  Here’s hoping I can keep it up.